Courage to Live

Do I have the courage to die?

This is a question I occasionally ask myself, especially after hearing a story about bravery in death. I’m awed by the dedication and unwavering faith of martyrs, missionaries, and “ordinary” people who have been imprisoned for what they believe; but, honestly, the thought of torture terrifies me, even though the chance of that happening is minuscule. To escape these morose and unreasonable fears, I reel in my thoughts: “Get real…this is never going to happen because you live a sheltered life, and if, for some reason, you have to face this, he’ll give you the grace to handle it.” Again, this scenario is highly unlikely to happen!

But there is another kind of courage I’ve been thinking about—it’s a “right now” courage I need and want. It’s not the courage to die, but the courage to live. The courage to live is an idea I recently stumbled upon that caught my attention. What kind of courage is this?  It’s the courage to be my true self—the person God made me to be, without any pretense; it’s the courage not to be ruled by anyone’s expectations besides his; it’s the courage to use the abilities he’s given me and follow the voice I hear calling. It sounds easy enough. But how easy is it to know who I truly am, recognize my true abilities, and silence the “shoulds, oughts, and need tos” so that I can follow the one voice that matters? I imagine it’s  like digging out of a ditch--a ditch I don’t want to be in, which makes the digging worthwhile.

Getting to know myself so I can be myself requires an honest look at my habits, what I do and why I do it. I have to distinguish between what I love doing and what I think I should love doing, what I’m good at and what I want to be good at. It requires a sometimes painful visit to the past—family history, bad choices, unfortunate events, and all the things that make me who I am. I’ve found that peeling away layers to reveal what’s true is a process, one I have to continually revisit. This process is revealing and healing, and it’s helped bring to light the abilities and gifts God has given me.

The things that bring joy and satisfaction, which are God’s good gifts, are often buried under a ton of “baggage”. At my age, I feel like I should be well on my way already. Lucky are those who can recognize, accept, and develop their gifts sooner than later. My journey has been up and down and all around, and life has often moved too fast to allow time for anything but what was immediately required. But life’s demands have changed. I have more time, and I'm in a better place mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. It’s never too late for the question: what am I here for?

All the digging out of ditches and honest talks with God revealed a path--a path I’ve felt called to pursue for some time. But I just wasn’t sure. Was I hearing right? My nagging nudges needed confirmation. As only God can do, several things synced beautifully, with perfect timing, leading me to a way he would use to help me move forward.

First, a friend posted on Facebook about a ministry called Soulwell. That name immediately got my attention. When I visited the website and read about the Soulwell Journey, I felt “deep calling to deep”. Right then, sitting there in my yellow velvet Goodwill chair contemplating signing up, I looked over at the bookcase to my right and a title jumped out at me—Courage and Calling by Gordon T. Smith. The book had sat there for months, waiting for just this moment, summing up in two words my heart-cry, and what Soulwell was all about.  I began reading it and quickly knew I needed to sign up for the Soulwell Journey. After signing up I received the reading list to prepare for the retreat. Was it any surprise that another book I was in the midst of reading was on the list? Some people call it coincidence, I call it Providence.

The Soulwell Journey is comprised of three week-ends of intense soul-work, with sufficient time in between to work on lessons learned.  I learned a lot about myself and have tools to continue the practice of filtering out the noise to hear the voice I hear best in silence—the voice that says, “This is the way, walk in it”. That way takes an immediate and adventurous kind of courage to live. It’s courage that requires a choice--intentional action--to get out of my rut. I will need courage to die in the future, whether it’s tomorrow or in 20 years, but courage to live is here and now, today. I want this kind of courage. I need this kind of courage, and I’m praying for this kind of courage because it’s what makes life meaningful and brings God glory.