The One My Soul Loves

Martyrs, healing of a blind girl, pagan rituals, love letters written during bird-mating season—these are the fact or fiction beginnings of Valentine’s Day which can be traced back centuries. Industrialization brought mass-production of cards and chocolates, advertising jumped on it, and here we are. Modern day Valentine’s Day has morphed into a celebration of romance, and a lot of people feel left out.

I remember eagerly reading my grade school valentines to see if anyone was sweet on me, indicated by anything vaguely kind. Then, in middle and high school, the disappointment when there was no one to celebrate with, the elation when there was. Self-image and self-esteem hinged on being “liked”, and every cultural message indicated that finding a marriage partner was a primary goal in life. Remaining single didn’t occur to me as an option. But, if I had been the person I am now, I might have chosen it.

I’ll be very honest and transparent: my life has been complicated and messy, most of it my own doing. I’ve been married twice and neither marriage worked out as I would have liked. That’s an understatement. Neither worked out as I deeply desired and longed for. The reasons are as complex as two imperfect human beings. I’m much healthier now, which could make relationship success much more likely, but do I want that?

I’ve lived the single life for many years and, at first, it was an adjustment. The loneliness of an empty house, no one to share the joys and pains of life with, no one to say if the picture is hung straight, the trouble of cooking for one—just a few downsides of singleness. My desire to have someone to pray with and discern God’s direction wasn’t fulfilled by either marriage. That desire lingered, and for a while I thought it might be worth trying again; but the complexities of blended families, the baggage we carry, and my independent, self-sufficient nature would create challenges I prefer not to deal with. I decided to focus on my relationship with God, my family, and myself. It was a good choice.

Even though I had lots of friends, I felt lonely. What I wanted and needed was a soul-mate. After some healthy lamenting over that, I came to some life-changing realizations:

1) There is only one soul-mate who is completely trustworthy, who knows me intimately, and loves my kids more than I do. Jesus is the one my soul loves.

2) My loneliness was an indication something was missing within me.

3) This was an opportunity and invitation to drink more deeply from waters that would satisfy my thirst.

And so, I began to press in to the loneliness and become more aware of God’s presence everywhere-- especially with and in me. I began to talk to him more and just be still and know. He answered my prayers for a neighborhood friend (and then more came!), as I’ve written in past stories, which helped.

I’ve also come to appreciate the many benefits of single life. Without elaborating, there are many freedoms one has when there isn’t a partner to consider, one of the best being the freedom to serve God, as the apostle Paul pragmatically pointed out.

Maybe I’m too selfish and set in my ways now. If it’s God’s plan to join me together with someone this late in life, I would do it, but it would have to be crystal clear that we could serve him better together. I don’t see it happening. First he would have to implant a desire for marriage, which I don’t have. I’m so very content in my singleness. My children, friends, gardening, and writing make my life full, and my little home and prayer garden is perfect for one.

….Well, me and the one my soul loves.